What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Why are there so many single moms in America?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Is depression a cause for always feeling tired?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Comes on , in middle age.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

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They are buried together, in the same grave..

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

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My life is so biszare .

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She loved him until the end.

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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I was 9 years of age.

Why is my ex trying to provoke an argument with me?

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But ive been too sick for many years..

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Why do I sweat so much after shower?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Who then, do I blame.?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Put me off passion for life!!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Ive learnt so much.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

It was going to be , some day.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But it wasn’t much.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She married twice! .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I was very sick at this time too.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I waited trembling.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I was scared of men, in general

I think the readers, may guess!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She wouldn,t have been !

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Especially a lifetime of it.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

So whats the point in blame.

I was seconnd youngest,

He knew the spot.

I said to her

And i lived it daily.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Im still living with it.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Would this be the day?

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She found it foreign!.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I never cut or harmed myself..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

When she asked me how she looked .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She was in good health!

I don,t even have a pension.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Why did i forgive my father ?

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

We were not on the streets..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Was to survive, this bastard.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I will be 64.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

We all went to grammer schools

He was dying to do it , i knew.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I have no regrets .

All the time i was locked up.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

What did i know ?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I write beautiful poetry .

So, i spoilt her more .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

(And it was in our own minds.)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

As i do to all so called friends.?

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

My family never makes their pension either.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

One cannot live in the past .

I couldn’t, believe it.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

This is soul school!.

But, we were locked up after school.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I could never make a relationship work though!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.